Black and White - Michael Jackson

For God so love the world, He gave His only son.

Since the tower of babble, love has no longer exist in this world. Humanity was filled up with hate, anger, discrimination, social status, controll.. And most impostant thing is, racism.

I'm trying to love every race for who they are, maybe sometimes i have my anger but I'm really trying my best in accepting everyone. For God so love the world, He never choose your skin colour, infact He love you because you are brown, think that black actually fit you best and white is just nice for you. But anyhow, tower of babble was created for a reason... I believed.. Maybe we human are too ego to bow and learn to be humble, that God accepting us eventhough we are not the chosen one are correct. And we always forgot, that it is our pleasure to be chosen..

Lord I pray deeply that one have eye and ear for every human kind, as I am still learning..


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She Is - Fray

She is leaving in a week time, when we met just now we cried. We both know each other so well and deep down there is no one as understand as her.

There is so much I wanted to tell but time is not on my side, after this I don't know when can we ever meet again despite what is going to happen soon. Things changed and we both accepted it.

For now, I pray that angels will be with her in every circumstances. I pray to Lord to take care of her, be strong on everything for Lord is the shepherd we shall not fear. We are strong girls we can survive..

I love you

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Sometimes - Papa Roach

Sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out, I have think to make me sleep, cos it's my only lullaby.

Sometimes I drive so fast, just to feel the danger, I wanna scream it makes me feel alive.

Sometimes I talk so loud, just to be the attention, wondering why there is no one care.

Sometimes I walked within the line, but I still craving for the adrenaline, wanting to feel the blood rushing to my brain, tasting the pain through my vain and smelling the air bursting into my lung.

Sometimes i hate myself, being so perky and clumsy, thinking it would be perfect if I would be a man, so I could just ditch everything and be myself.

Sometimes I even hate everything, always falling into the wrong places and wrong timelines.

Sometimes i break my promise, cos being nice wasn't fun anymore.

Sometimes I want to be prestige, chasing my power and reputation, and even that couldn't satisfy my hunger of searching.

Sometimes I talk crap, just to act that I know life, always wish to be that someone who deliver the inspiration and messages.

Sometimes it's fun to be rude and bossy, so life would be fair that even me have the chance to yell.

Sometimes i want to be pretty, being masculine was not even attractive or sweet.

Sometimes I wish I lost my memory, I even dream that I can re-live my life, anything that makes me human.

Sometimes, just sometimes I wish I am dumb and naive, so I can live life happily, no worries and burden, and everything will be so gorgeous! and most important thing is, I don't have to feel annoyed with myself anymore..




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Love Me Dead - Ludo

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
(1Corinthian 13:4-8)

To be in love you will need a lot of courage specially when it is a real compliacted one. Sometimes people will get lost and forgot that love actualy keeps no record of wrongs. When someone actually asking you to payout for what you had done and counting your mistake, that is not love anymore. It could be a revenge or joke, definately it's not love.

But love is a very objective topic, it's either you love or you not. As simple as that. There is no slightly love, no love with hatret, postpond love or any word you used to describe it. It is just as simple as > love! (so far it's my own definition)

Love is a blessing from God to show us and let us know how much He love us and show us how much He is willing to sacrifice for us. I know what love could lead to, I tasted love and know how much is love, I breath the sacrifice and smell the pain, but comparing to Gods love, we are nothing.

For God so love the world, He send His only son.. Now I'm glad and treasure that I have God as my shepherd, He make me realise what is love.. And I'm still the simple human who seek for it.. I need love..




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Why Do I Feel So Sad - Alicia Keys

i though 2009 was my worst year

never know things get fucked even more this year

and its only January..

im loosing myself and everything now

how could i ever turn back time and relive my pass?

how could i ever took back worlds and believe in myself?

and how i wish i wasn't alive for the pass year

having you is the most precious thing i ever had

loosing you is the most piercing pain i ever taste

you never the one who can ever be replace

im just so addicted to you and crave for you

how i wish i never loose you.. anymore

Damien Rice - Cold Water

Cold, cold water surrounds me now

And all I've got is your hand

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now,

Or am I lost?

No one's daughter allow me that

And I can't let go of your hand

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

or am I lost?

oooo, I love you

Don’t you know I love you

And I always have

Hallelujah

Will you come with me?

Cold, cold water surrounds me now

cold cold water surrounds me now

And all I've got is your hand

Lord, can you hear me?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me?

Ahh...

Am I lost with you?

Am I lost with you?

Am I lost with you?

The Way of Wisdom (Proverbs) - Michael Card

went to my first class today after frozen for a year, The Proverbs.

Lecturer mentioned that this is a good start for a year as we human, really need wisdom from our Lord as new year has begin. What had happened last year, mistake that we walk through and falls that we been through, we never have to repeat it again. This year we should pray and ask for wisdom so all the pass will remain the pass.

Truly glad that i picked this class as i had the worst year in my life in 2008. My thirst for wisdom from Lord is always 1st in my pray list! Lord im here and im surrendering myself, please guide me. Spare my mistake and bless me with knowledge and wisdom.

I want to be a wise man of God.

About A Girl - The Academy Is...

Suddenly read back Erlinna's blog. im tearing in the whole reading process..

Erlinna was my secondary classmate. she stay for a years in KKHS and then  transfer to another school after form 1. she is a very tall girl, quiet, ayu, pretty (yes she is so pretty!) and good in english. i remember we always ask for vocab and assistant because she is really good in english in her young age. If im not mistaken she is the representative of form 1 for english club.

the blog was named Paival & Erlinna in fotopages. It was written by Paival, her fiancé. He recorded their whole 4years memorial time together and story by story how she fight for her cancer. the recording were full with emotions and feelings. I can feel his bravery and sadness even though he has to write and record about his love one page by page. he have to be so brave and strong while she was sick and helpless. he really did a good job in his recording else no one else will know how tough life and how brave is our Erlinna struggling to survive. the last 2 post by him really touched my heart badly...

"Diagnosed with salivary gland cancer in June 2006, she undergo surgery to remove part of her face, went for chemo & radio therapy and finished in November 2006. It seems that everything is going to be okay and she is going to survive the battle. January 2007 not long after her therapy, she was diagnosed with brain cancer. The doctor said that her cancer cells are very aggressive and have spread to other part of her body..."

"... Did I cry? Yes I did, on my bed in the hotel, while taking my shower, but not in front of her family. When you have found an almost perfect women, been together almost 4 years now, and have been engage, it’s hard not to cry. I pray that she will again survive this battle."

loosing someone that important, who is your one and only soul mate of life, is no difference compare to death. I would have tears to death and even bring it to my grave if it would have to be me.. i pray that Paival is recovered and be even stronger than before. truly and deepest condolence to Erlinna's family. 

after few years Erlinna's story still bring courage and  bravery to me. I will look up to her and survive! Lord may the peace be with her family and Paival from now and forever. Amen.

Dedicate to Late Erlina
link: Paival & Erlinna

Professional Crastination - NOFX

Was quite marveled and flattered this morning when i finally received my approval letter for upgrading my chemist license, finally im a Associate member for Malaysian Institute of Chemistry! woohoo!! an abrupt change from melancholy behavior to lunatic now! moreover a replied mail from Kurokawa san that im also qualified for Chemical Society of Japan (CSJ), and another application for Royal Society of Chemistry, Europe (RSC) up coming~ ok im over whelmed for the status but finally i achieved my 1st resolution! i mean so soon!!??!?~ hehe.. hope the RSC application will approved by only providing one refree from RSC member Dr. Noumie. (keeping my finger cross)

so if everything success, i shall hold a name with all the qualification which really help a lot in my CV. (imagining my title: Beverly Kah, B. Sc. (Hons), Affiliate member of IUPAC, AMIC, MRSC, CSJ... bwahahahah) maybe i should be thinking of proceeding my master in chemistry or environmental chemistry? so another add up of M.Sc.? hmm~~ OH MY GOSH!! i never even have a split though of mastering in chemistry! now that second of thought already penetrate into my mind! what am i thinking? i should be mastering in MBA instead MSc.. @$%#@! ok sorry Lord for my bad mouth! well i lead everything to God, for my future is inscrutable, hope He will lead me either to even mastering in science or business or neither one.

this achievement kinda boost up my confident, i mean in my career.. somehow? and seems like i cant just simply switch my career else everything will be so wasted~ but anyhow to most of the people it actually mean nothing, i mean for most of those professional they dont even have any title, laying low, so this actually mean nothing also, however im still flattered! hehe.. (ignoring the surrounding and syok sendiri with abundance of feelings overflowed)

ok i should stop these melodrama.. stop being perky!

Good night

Anthem Of Our Dying Day - Story of the Year

Looking back in end of last year, i was so energetic, full with new year wishes and new hope. I still remember my new year resolution.. i mean some of them..

1) Improved my spiritual life (i did!)

2) Publish paper and contribute to renewable energy firm (fail)

3) Upgrade my chemist license (yeap!).

4) dont remember..

.. ending this century in another 2 days, what is my new year resolution? funny i dont have one. im like an empty shell with no soul. looking back this year, i dont know what have i achieved. Work is a mess, spiritual life is falling apart, life even in a shit hole. This year i stop to do my account since my hand bag was stolen, ever since then, i spend like hell. a lot on unnecessary stuff like.. i dont even know what!!???!!

never know when we are in ages, time flies supremely fast. in a blink of eye we are in heaven with a perfect job and perfect life; in a slip of breath we have nothing on our hand. Prophet said that we came to this earth with empty handed, we shall leave this earth with nothing too.. just never know i can experience the 2nd sentence so fast. what a year! fuh~!

Here i set and even writing down my new year resolution:

1) Practice reading, at least 3 books.

2) Go abroad and live like a beggar!

3) Adopt new hobby, like swimming?

4) New chemist license, CSJ and RSC before i..

5) Learn to ride a bike! (just found out when talking to baby)

6) Find myself a someone..

Maybe this year i will resign my post in church, pass to someone more dedicate and passionate, so it is easier when i leave. But everything i will leave to God, for He is my shepherd i shall not fear.

Heavenly father im sorry for being a sinner and a jerk in this awful year, i had broken Your heart and done a lot of mistake. im sorry Lord. i pray for a good year and i surrender myself for You in the coming year Lord. Please guide me and hold me tight, please dont give up on me Father. I'd learn my lesson now i promise.. i will be good. in the name of Jesus Christ i pray.. Amen.